Anticipation

Z got a package in the mail this morning: clover clamps (which I've been wanting to experience since I first saw them), and something for impact play. I'm not allowed to see what the implement is, he wants to let me guess when I feel it. The package is sitting in his room, taunting me. We won't get a chance to play until tomorrow night, because he has work early so we'll go to sleep shortly after he gets home tonight. I tried the clovers on my finger, but I will let him put them on my nipples for the first time.

I am so easily worked up by thinking about what's going to happen when he really decides to hurt me. I have been wanting this forever, but now that it's so close I can't believe it. I wasn't expecting to get to experience this until we have our own place, so he really blew my mind. I think part of the impact of him actually getting something is that this is really going to happen. I have wanted this since I started wanting sex. This is such a huge fantasy of mine, and I keep getting lost in imagining what it will be like.

I close my eyes and feel a whip crack across my shoulders, or a crop across my ass. Real pain. A scene revolving around pain, not just hints at the edges. Something more than biting and nipple torture. Sharp, stinging, deliberate, lasting pain. I picture my back in the mirror, white skin criss-crossed with red. I want to be pushed. I want to feel it in the days after, so that sitting or leaning a certain way sends me back to the scene. I want to be tied with my hands above my head, completely at His mercy, unable to avoid a blow. I want Him to use me, break me. I want to finally be untied, and collapse into His arms. I want Him to let me just float in subspace, passive and quiet, putty in His hands.