Limbo

I realized tonight that I'm not feeling particularly dominant or submissive. What I am feeling is masochistic. I have this craving for pain that I can't satisfy on my own (ok, well, I could, but I've agreed not to), and it's the kind of thing that wears on me. It's always a bit funny to me just how central that is to my sexuality. More than being Dom or sub. More than being with a guy or a girl. Some of my wires are crossed, always have been.

Z & I use StumbleUpon to find and share porn. Because I have been working 90 hour weeks, I haven't been thinking about sex very much. So, I have a hell of a backlog of links from him. I looked at a bunch tonight, but I still have almost 180 waiting. The thing that bothers me about it is that I'm not getting a sense of his current mood. Knowing what he was thinking about last month doesn't give me much insight into what he wants now. I can't really obsess about a role the way I normally would - I have neither the time nor the energy for it. So I'm sticking fairly close to neutral. Since that's the case, it seems to make sense to lean toward whatever's most compatible with Z's mood. But when I'm getting off to images that he sent so long ago, that doesn't really work.

I just want to see him. Then all this stupid shit won't matter. Our next visit is ages away, though.

Realization

I've said in a few places that of course I don't get pleasure from random pain, that there has to be context. I just noticed that my statements were incorrect. I just got a paper cut that sent a shiver down my spine. It's not that this is a new reaction, I just never really took note of it. As long as it's the same flavor of pain that I enjoy in a scene, I can still derive pleasure from it. I usually enjoy getting a random cut, especially if it bleeds. I think the reason that I didn't catch this sooner is that the usual example is a stubbed toe, which I hate as much as the non-masochists that I know. But give me sharp pain, and there's a good chance that I'll like it regardless of the setting. It does still depend on my mood, though; it's not a given. 

Surprise!

When I was having sex with R last week I was having a great, power-exchange-free time. We were both focused on having fun. While I was above her, she dug her nails into my back. I really enjoyed it, and she saw that and kept it up, progressively digging in more. I got off, convulsing and collapsing onto her. It was wonderful, and I wasn't expecting it. R was absolutely not expecting it, and didn't recognize what had happened until I explained.

"Are you OK?" "Yes." "Are you sure you're OK?" "Yes. That was an orgasm." "Oh . . . "

It was fantastic, and R thought it was really cool too. I love that she is amused by my reactions to things.

Afterwards, I felt incredibly strange, tho. I've never been in subspace without there being a psychological element to the preceding events. Z naturally makes pain a game of control, always toying with me at the same time. And R is in no way a Dom. So it was confusing. My instinct was to melt, to be compliant, to be putty in someone's hands. But I didn't have anyone to direct that to. And the event being early in the evening didn't make it easier, as the only way I really 'reset' is by sleeping. So the rest of the evening was spent alternating between trying to pull myself out of subspace and enjoying the delicious welts on my back.

R asked me if I'd encountered pain that was too much. The answer is not in context, with sufficient warm-up. The only issues I've had have been from something being too abrupt. Even then, I haven't encountered anything that was difficult enough that it needed to stop. Part of that is that if I can't get pleasure from the sensation itself, I still get pleasure from being able to handle it, and from allowing my partner free reign. However, part of it is also that Z can read me amazingly well, and knows exactly how his actions are affecting me.

Masochism Indulged

Wednesday night was incredible. Z got a flogger, which I was not expecting in the slightest. He let me take a peek right before he got home from work. I had no idea what to expect from it. It feels so soft when it’s stationery. I spent the rest of the day waiting as patiently as I could.

Before we started with the flogger, Z got me off by choking me, and then just by playing with my nipples. We’ve never done much with orgasm control, but while he was choking me he started counting down from five. I came on three. After that he explained that I was to wait until zero, and I was able to get off on command for the rest of the night, which just felt amazing. I also gave him a blow job, during which he didn’t let me get quite as much air as I am accustomed to. It was a great feeling, being choked from the inside.

When he finally got out the flogger Z spent a while warming me up, and it was hard not to beg him to hit me harder at first. It was wonderfully stingy once he got going. I was standing, and he had me get off from it, at which point my knees gave out and I needed a break to be able to stand again. When he started again he had me bent over his bed, which is at about waist height. He started striking a bit harder, and let me get off whenever I felt like it, as long as I stayed standing there. It felt so wonderful. I loved the sharpness of it. I could feel stripes of heat after a while, which was perfect.

After I got off 8 times standing there, Z told me that I would get 10 more strikes, and get off on the last. He had me count each, thank him, and ask for the next. My begging for the next strike was completely genuine. On ten I fell to the floor, and had the most powerful orgasm I’ve ever experienced.

He gave me time to recover, and then fucked me. He had me get off right as he did. The perfect end to the night of my dreams. 

Anticipation

Z got a package in the mail this morning: clover clamps (which I've been wanting to experience since I first saw them), and something for impact play. I'm not allowed to see what the implement is, he wants to let me guess when I feel it. The package is sitting in his room, taunting me. We won't get a chance to play until tomorrow night, because he has work early so we'll go to sleep shortly after he gets home tonight. I tried the clovers on my finger, but I will let him put them on my nipples for the first time.

I am so easily worked up by thinking about what's going to happen when he really decides to hurt me. I have been wanting this forever, but now that it's so close I can't believe it. I wasn't expecting to get to experience this until we have our own place, so he really blew my mind. I think part of the impact of him actually getting something is that this is really going to happen. I have wanted this since I started wanting sex. This is such a huge fantasy of mine, and I keep getting lost in imagining what it will be like.

I close my eyes and feel a whip crack across my shoulders, or a crop across my ass. Real pain. A scene revolving around pain, not just hints at the edges. Something more than biting and nipple torture. Sharp, stinging, deliberate, lasting pain. I picture my back in the mirror, white skin criss-crossed with red. I want to be pushed. I want to feel it in the days after, so that sitting or leaning a certain way sends me back to the scene. I want to be tied with my hands above my head, completely at His mercy, unable to avoid a blow. I want Him to use me, break me. I want to finally be untied, and collapse into His arms. I want Him to let me just float in subspace, passive and quiet, putty in His hands.