Happy New Year

I couldn't sleep, so I figured this would be as good a time as any to post.

I realized that I haven't posted in a neutral mood in a while. There's a good reason for that: when I'm focused on sex I am usually either in sub mode or in Dom mode, and I usually post on here because I'm thinking about sex. However, this makes me look pretty bipolar, so I thought I'd give you a sane update.

I am still recovering from the car accident, they've found out I have a torn ligament and torn cartilage in my wrist. My knee is still a bit of a mess too, and I have to start back on physical therapy soon. So I'm spending a lot of time sitting in my room trying not to go stir-crazy, alternating with periods where I'm half asleep for a day or two because of painkillers. I'm working on getting surgery for the wrist, the knee is just a matter of doing the work.

I have no resolutions this year, I'm just not going to bother. I'm already working as hard as I can on getting better at life, so a new year's resolution would be either redundant or trivial. Either way, worthless.

I'm looking forward to being able to learn bass once my wrist is fixed. I'm still going to play lefty, partially because I am already used to it, partially because I don't want to count on my wrist ending up at 100%. (I'm right-handed, but my left wrist is fucked up enough that I can't bend it enough to fret with my left hand.) And Z pointed out that I will be pretty much the only female lefty bassist/vocalist in existence, which is pretty cool. (Once we all learn our instruments the idea is for us to play together - Z on drums, R on guitar, me on bass & vocals. Not because I'm any better at singing, but because I have the guts to do it.)

Happy New Year and all that. Random tangent: people who get upset at "Happy Holidays" make me laugh. Even for Christians, there are multiple holidays in December. Before I get into religion or politics, I'm going to end the post.

Surprise!

When I was having sex with R last week I was having a great, power-exchange-free time. We were both focused on having fun. While I was above her, she dug her nails into my back. I really enjoyed it, and she saw that and kept it up, progressively digging in more. I got off, convulsing and collapsing onto her. It was wonderful, and I wasn't expecting it. R was absolutely not expecting it, and didn't recognize what had happened until I explained.

"Are you OK?" "Yes." "Are you sure you're OK?" "Yes. That was an orgasm." "Oh . . . "

It was fantastic, and R thought it was really cool too. I love that she is amused by my reactions to things.

Afterwards, I felt incredibly strange, tho. I've never been in subspace without there being a psychological element to the preceding events. Z naturally makes pain a game of control, always toying with me at the same time. And R is in no way a Dom. So it was confusing. My instinct was to melt, to be compliant, to be putty in someone's hands. But I didn't have anyone to direct that to. And the event being early in the evening didn't make it easier, as the only way I really 'reset' is by sleeping. So the rest of the evening was spent alternating between trying to pull myself out of subspace and enjoying the delicious welts on my back.

R asked me if I'd encountered pain that was too much. The answer is not in context, with sufficient warm-up. The only issues I've had have been from something being too abrupt. Even then, I haven't encountered anything that was difficult enough that it needed to stop. Part of that is that if I can't get pleasure from the sensation itself, I still get pleasure from being able to handle it, and from allowing my partner free reign. However, part of it is also that Z can read me amazingly well, and knows exactly how his actions are affecting me.

16

I was talking to R the other day about how I’d known that I liked girls, so here it is:

The concept bounced around in my head from about 8^th grade on, but as sex was such a vague, theoretical thing at that point I didn’t spend much time thinking about it until after I’d had sex for the first time. When I was about 16 I decided that I wanted to figure out this whole sexuality thing. At that point I was unsure of whether the ‘crushes’ I had on girls were really that, or if I just really liked them, wanted to be good friends with them, wanted to be like them, etc.

My solution was to focus on one of my go-to fantasies. Now, I’ve never had a vanilla fantasy. The ‘story’ in question was a guy holding me down, forcing himself on me. I then replayed it, substituting a girl. I decided that it was much hotter that way, therefore I must be a lesbian. My first concern was not an identity crisis or wondering if I'd be accepted. My worry was “What could a girl do to you, though?”

(I later realized that just because I am attracted to guys infrequently, I certainly can be. I figure I’m a 4.5 on the Kinsey Scale.)

"Home"

Ok, so I'm back at my parents' house, which I have trouble calling home. At this point Home is making dinner with Z, falling asleep together, waking up to him in the morning. This place is not Home, and hasn't been since I originally moved to Philly for college.

Regardless, I have internet, and should therefore be able to post whenever I want, which is nice. The last two posts were waiting on my hard drive for a couple of days before I got to post them, hence the timestamps. I was staying with R at the time (a subject for another post), who doesn't have internet at her house. Cosi has both awesome food and free internet though, so I was able to get online for a bit.

Anyway, I am not Home, but I am where I live, which will have to do for now.

Vacation

Just an update. I'll be spending next week with Z, and then a few days with R! So expect lots of writing around the beginning of the month. Until then I will probably be without internet (not that I'll miss it).

Welcome!

Hey! My name is YinYangClaire, and I'm here to ramble. I have plenty of stories, ideas, and thoughts floating around in my head, and I'd love to get them out, so here we are. This will be a mix of journal entries, erotica, plans and schemes, thoughts, and rants.

I am a female bisexual switch. I am in a fantastic long term relationship with a guy I'll call Z and have an awesome thing going with a girl I'll call R.

Feel free to look around, comment, or say 'hi' on FetLife.