Limbo

I realized tonight that I'm not feeling particularly dominant or submissive. What I am feeling is masochistic. I have this craving for pain that I can't satisfy on my own (ok, well, I could, but I've agreed not to), and it's the kind of thing that wears on me. It's always a bit funny to me just how central that is to my sexuality. More than being Dom or sub. More than being with a guy or a girl. Some of my wires are crossed, always have been.

Z & I use StumbleUpon to find and share porn. Because I have been working 90 hour weeks, I haven't been thinking about sex very much. So, I have a hell of a backlog of links from him. I looked at a bunch tonight, but I still have almost 180 waiting. The thing that bothers me about it is that I'm not getting a sense of his current mood. Knowing what he was thinking about last month doesn't give me much insight into what he wants now. I can't really obsess about a role the way I normally would - I have neither the time nor the energy for it. So I'm sticking fairly close to neutral. Since that's the case, it seems to make sense to lean toward whatever's most compatible with Z's mood. But when I'm getting off to images that he sent so long ago, that doesn't really work.

I just want to see him. Then all this stupid shit won't matter. Our next visit is ages away, though.

Owned

i asked Z to spell out His expectations for me. i desperately want to avoid disappointing Him again. i am not allowed to get off without permission. (He said that my orgasm would make a nice Christmas present to both of us, but that He might want it to be an early one.) Once a day i am supposed to masturbate, and then tell Him about it. This makes it impossible to ignore how horny i am. i love it, tho. Yesterday i was having trouble being by myself with the aftermath of the night described in my last post. Every time i shifted, i'd feel myself rub against the inside of my jeans, and know that there was nothing i could do to satisfy myself, and it made me feel close to Him. When we talked last night, i told Him that i only want to get off when ordered to, that while it's a given that He's in control, i want it to be direct control. i don't want to be given any gray area where i've got the power to make a decision, even if it's only one of timing. (For example, being allowed to get off today, or in the shower.) i was pretty surprised that i'd told Him that, really. It shows that i completely lack a filter right now, because i expect there will be a lot of frustration that stems from the request.

i love that He owns me. i love that His control over me is so complete. i am a very happy sub. 

Broken

Wednesday i fucked up. i wanted to take a nap at around 9, and Z told me to be back online by midnight. i intended to take an hour or so and get back on the computer. i set an alarm on my phone, made sure the volume was on high, and fell asleep. i woke up at about 5am, my phone having died. Z had already gone to sleep, and the 7 texts i woke up to let me know right away that He was upset with me. For good reason. i felt awful about it and was also just disappointed to have missed out on talking to Him.

my punishment was to begin by being ready to greet Him on Skype Thursday night, topless and with the dreaded clover clamps on. For a bit of background, those are pure evil. He told me that he was going to get online after getting home from work and showering, and that the earliest He would be on was 11:30. It was my decision when to put them on, since i would be wearing them for a while, but if i waited it would be a gamble, as i was required to have them on when He called me on Skype, and He wouldn't be in touch before then. i realized that evening that it was going to be even more painful than i'd thought: i'd had an MRI that morning, and my right nipple is pierced with a CBR that i can't take out (i'd put band-aids over it to prevent any real damage), so it was already sore as hell.

i didn't want to risk screwing up again, so by 11:31 or :32 i was ready and waiting. i did send him a message, explaining that my piercing was already painful. At first they hurt, but it was also exciting. As much as i wanted to take them off, they were making me wet. That didn't last long, however. At midnight i was watching the clock desperately, hoping that i'd get some relief soon. At 12:15 i was begging Him to get on (verbally, not in a way that might actually annoy Him). i had my vibrator and a glass of water in reach, as instructed, and had also grabbed my collar and a ball gag, because being quiet was a huge challenge. At around 12:30 the call popped up on my screen, and i could barely say anything other than "Please." He thankfully allowed me to remove the clamp from my pierced nipple. He informed me that i would not be getting off that night, and i appreciated the warning. A few minutes later He had me insert my vibe, and remove the remaining clamp for an interval of time that i no longer remember, and at the end of that time i was to put it back on, and remove the vibe. The idea was to repeat this pattern until He felt i'd been punished sufficiently.

At some point i grabbed the gag to take the clamp off, and again when i had to put it back on. He told me to go ahead and put it on properly, that He liked seeing me that way. i was having trouble breathing, and tried to move it out of the way. He told me "that would defeat the purpose". i was panicking a bit, but sat up so that i could let the drool run out of my mouth. i hate that about the ball gag. Humiliation is not something i crave, and while i like being silenced, having drool streaming out of my mouth is more embarrassing than anything else Z has made me do. So now i've got the ball gag in, and i can't look up the whole way or spit starts to build up, which in turn will make me panic. And the clamp is on again, so i have to be very careful not to move, so that the nearly-unbearable pain in my nipple doesn't get worse.

After a while, i had to keep adjusting my position so that i could breathe clearly, which moved the clamp enough that the combination made me cry. And my mind was just blank. i was sobbing, and in more pain that i thought i could handle (times 10), and pretty much freaking out. Z asked me if i had reached a limit, told me He wanted me to be honest with Him. it took me a while to process enough to figure out that yes, i had. He had broken me. i nodded, giving up.

He told me to take the clamp off. i thanked Him, and asked if i could please remove the gag as well, expecting play to be done for the night. He said no, that since He'd let me take the clamp off early, i'd keep the gag on longer to compensate. It put me in my place, made it clear that while He is very understanding to me, it's always about His pleasure, not my comfort. And i love that He used me like that. It's something that i've wanted for a long time, and i am so happy that He finally pushed me far past anything i would have been able to do without being ordered to.

When He let me take the gag off, clean up, and lie down, it was clear that i was ok. He had taken care of me, as always. And as i relaxed, and took deep breaths, i started talking to Him about what had happened. i realized after a bit that, while i had been nowhere near it during my punishment, now i was floating: i was in subspace. i know that there was a point where i was laughing, but it's a bit blurry.

Visit with Z last weekend

Last weekend I got to see Z, which is, of course, always awesome. He came to visit me at my parents' house, and we decided seeing each other between holidays this year would make the most sense. We had new toys to play with: we got a collar for Z, rope, a strap-on, and I had been driving Z a bit crazy. I had been having a lot of fun teasing him without letting him get off. It ended up being about 3 weeks, because I decided that I wanted to do the job myself when I finally let him cum. Our first night ended up being more focused on figuring new stuff out than on D/s, which was a shame. I did have a lot of fun, though. I tied him up and played with him, and we both had a good time, even if there weren't fireworks.

The second night, I found a more elegant use for the rope, and had a lot of fun teasing him, and getting him off a couple of times. I was tired by the end of it (still not anywhere near recovered from my car accident), and decided that having him eat me out would be a good end to the evening's activities.

This is something Z is great at, and I was enjoying myself. Suddenly I felt his hand around my throat, and I melted. That relatively little thing sent me spinning. The coolest changeover ever. He then blindfolded me, turned on some music, and got out the flogger. I was not expecting that to be brought out this visit, and wow was it intense. He was above me with it, and it was hitting every part of my body. He kept getting me off with it, until it was nearly continuous. There was a bit of a delay, tho, between the stroke and my convulsion, so that there was never anything touching me at the point of orgasm. This started to drive me crazy, not having anything solid to push back against. Eventually I was begging him to touch me, but I knew as soon as I felt him enter me that it was a dumb thing to ask for. The reason being, I knew he was going to stay there long past the point where it was comfortable, and he can get me stuck in the middle of an orgasm that way. He finally said that he'd pull out if I stopped convulsing, which I believe I laughed out loud at, but I did try.

That was last Sunday night, and i haven't gotten off since, but the intervening events are worth a separate post.

Z's Game

There had been weeks of buildup, and my sub side was so strong that it was getting hard to put away each morning. i knew that i wouldn't have been able to say no to anything He wanted. i love that feeling of complete surrender.


Z had thought up a game to start out the night: i was to earn the priveledge of giving Him a blow job. The whole time i would have either the ball gag or His dick in my mouth. For each stroke of the flogger i took, i'd earn 3 seconds to have Him in my mouth. If i made "too much" noise, the stroke didn't count. i could stop the flogging whenever i wanted, and 5 minutes was the maximum ammout of time i could earn. Once the flogging was over, i would have that much time to get Him off. If i didn't, then He would punnish me and we'd start the game again (with me earning time starting from 0). i almost wanted Him to punnish me, because i knew that He'd been thinking about what the consequence was going to be, but He wouldn't tell me.

He put the gag in, leaned me over the bed, and started flogging me fairly hard, with every 10th stroke being full-force. After i'd earned 3 minutes, He stood me up facing Him, and started flogging my breasts, which was new. He hit my nipple piercing regularly, which made keeping quiet a challenge. He told me that if i fell, it was over. i managed to last until i'd earned 4 minutes, then dropped onto the bed at the 80th stroke. i was proud of myself for lasting that long, and Z was happy with my performance.

i then had 4 minutes to get Z to cum. He had done a great job of fucking with my head, because i felt like getting to finally touch Him was a priveledge, a reward. i was vaguely aware of the time, but i was very much focused on my task. my goal was to get to taste Him, but i wasn't expecting to win in the first round. It was just about to reach the 4 minute mark when i felt Him start to squirt. i was very surprised to win. Next time we play, He's going to make it harder.

i can't wait to play it again. Getting flogged is wonderful, and i love giving Z a blow job. More than that, tho, it was a mindfuck. i wasn't able to speak, the only use for my mouth was to please Him. The gag was a great way to make that sink in. And being allowed to touch Him was an honor that had to be earned. i desperately wanted to please Him. This was a huge success.

Saturday, November 6

I had a wonderful weekend with Z. We went to a bondage photo shoot, which was our first time meeting people from 'the scene'. I was very much his sub during the entire day. I bought a collar and a ball gag on South Street, and I am so glad I did. We'd borrowed a collar from Rinn when we were all living together, but I found one that I love the look of enough that I was comfortable wearing it all day. This was the first time we carried the power exchange out of the bedroom. It was awesome and hope that we do it again soon. I love being His, and it's wonderful to be able to just sink into that mindset and savor it. 


He fingered me in the car on the way to the photo shoot, which was terrifying. I was definitely in a seriously submissive state to let him do that while driving, especially as it was less than a week after I was in a car crash. It was great to be that far gone that I couldn't say no. 


At the event I had a lot of fun. Most of the time I had a gag in my mouth, so Z had the final say on everything. Though to be honest he would have anyway. Toward the end Z got to try using a crop on me to get some color. We've agreed that we're putting that high on the list of toys to get next. It was wonderfully stingy. My suspicion that for me bondage is a means to an end, the end being having me helpless and at someone else's mercy, was confirmed. The ropes themselves didn't do much for me. Z hitting me while I was immobile and gagged, though, was excellent. 


When we got back to our hotel we had a lot more fun, but I think that can be it's own post.

Surprise!

When I was having sex with R last week I was having a great, power-exchange-free time. We were both focused on having fun. While I was above her, she dug her nails into my back. I really enjoyed it, and she saw that and kept it up, progressively digging in more. I got off, convulsing and collapsing onto her. It was wonderful, and I wasn't expecting it. R was absolutely not expecting it, and didn't recognize what had happened until I explained.

"Are you OK?" "Yes." "Are you sure you're OK?" "Yes. That was an orgasm." "Oh . . . "

It was fantastic, and R thought it was really cool too. I love that she is amused by my reactions to things.

Afterwards, I felt incredibly strange, tho. I've never been in subspace without there being a psychological element to the preceding events. Z naturally makes pain a game of control, always toying with me at the same time. And R is in no way a Dom. So it was confusing. My instinct was to melt, to be compliant, to be putty in someone's hands. But I didn't have anyone to direct that to. And the event being early in the evening didn't make it easier, as the only way I really 'reset' is by sleeping. So the rest of the evening was spent alternating between trying to pull myself out of subspace and enjoying the delicious welts on my back.

R asked me if I'd encountered pain that was too much. The answer is not in context, with sufficient warm-up. The only issues I've had have been from something being too abrupt. Even then, I haven't encountered anything that was difficult enough that it needed to stop. Part of that is that if I can't get pleasure from the sensation itself, I still get pleasure from being able to handle it, and from allowing my partner free reign. However, part of it is also that Z can read me amazingly well, and knows exactly how his actions are affecting me.

16

I was talking to R the other day about how I’d known that I liked girls, so here it is:

The concept bounced around in my head from about 8^th grade on, but as sex was such a vague, theoretical thing at that point I didn’t spend much time thinking about it until after I’d had sex for the first time. When I was about 16 I decided that I wanted to figure out this whole sexuality thing. At that point I was unsure of whether the ‘crushes’ I had on girls were really that, or if I just really liked them, wanted to be good friends with them, wanted to be like them, etc.

My solution was to focus on one of my go-to fantasies. Now, I’ve never had a vanilla fantasy. The ‘story’ in question was a guy holding me down, forcing himself on me. I then replayed it, substituting a girl. I decided that it was much hotter that way, therefore I must be a lesbian. My first concern was not an identity crisis or wondering if I'd be accepted. My worry was “What could a girl do to you, though?”

(I later realized that just because I am attracted to guys infrequently, I certainly can be. I figure I’m a 4.5 on the Kinsey Scale.)

Masochism Indulged

Wednesday night was incredible. Z got a flogger, which I was not expecting in the slightest. He let me take a peek right before he got home from work. I had no idea what to expect from it. It feels so soft when it’s stationery. I spent the rest of the day waiting as patiently as I could.

Before we started with the flogger, Z got me off by choking me, and then just by playing with my nipples. We’ve never done much with orgasm control, but while he was choking me he started counting down from five. I came on three. After that he explained that I was to wait until zero, and I was able to get off on command for the rest of the night, which just felt amazing. I also gave him a blow job, during which he didn’t let me get quite as much air as I am accustomed to. It was a great feeling, being choked from the inside.

When he finally got out the flogger Z spent a while warming me up, and it was hard not to beg him to hit me harder at first. It was wonderfully stingy once he got going. I was standing, and he had me get off from it, at which point my knees gave out and I needed a break to be able to stand again. When he started again he had me bent over his bed, which is at about waist height. He started striking a bit harder, and let me get off whenever I felt like it, as long as I stayed standing there. It felt so wonderful. I loved the sharpness of it. I could feel stripes of heat after a while, which was perfect.

After I got off 8 times standing there, Z told me that I would get 10 more strikes, and get off on the last. He had me count each, thank him, and ask for the next. My begging for the next strike was completely genuine. On ten I fell to the floor, and had the most powerful orgasm I’ve ever experienced.

He gave me time to recover, and then fucked me. He had me get off right as he did. The perfect end to the night of my dreams. 

Meet my sub side

i am currently in a very submissive state, as Z got me all worked up and then had to go to sleep yesterday, and then didn't end up Domming me today either. i love being a sub, and while i am i cannot imagine wanting to leave this state. i almost don't even want to get off, because i am enjoying this feeling so much. i love this craving to submit to Z, the serenity that comes from relinquishing control, the intense desire to please Him. It's times like these that i see the appeal of a 24/7 D/s relationship. i know that once i am reset to neutral i will enjoy having the flexibility that comes with a relationship between switches, but for now i just want to float here: aroused, submissive, content.