New Toy; Domming

I should be sleeping. However, I've gone too long without posting, especially since fun things are happening. I got Z a cock cage for his birthday, and we're both enjoying it a lot. He's been locked up since yesterday, I haven't quite decided for how long. I'm considering being 'nice' and only having this first time be for a couple of days. I'm also tempted to add time for the two times he got off without permission recently. I suppose I'll just see how things go.

What I'm really looking forward to is our next visit. He's going to be locked up for at least a week before, and I intend to make him beg me for release. All the things I love to do to him will be so much fun this way.

Last night we did a video chat, and he 'got to' watch me get off. Afterwards he was so wonderfully subbie. I love getting to see him that way. It just feels like such a gift to be able to share that with him. I'm getting sappy now, sorry. But it was just so cool to watch. And I could tell what he was feeling, because he's made me feel like that so many times. So far I haven't been able to do that for him enough, I hope that's going to change with this new tool in my arsenal.

Another great thing: I've been enjoying the hell out of Domming lately. Normally it's fun, but also very draining. The last week or so, though, has been different. I suppose I'm usually waiting to switch 'back to normal', and I'm not this time. I keep growing into being a switch, and I feel like a huge bridge has been crossed. Not feeling like I have a very limited amount of Dominant energy is awesome. Z has had a hell of a lot of patience while I've been figuring this role out, and I couldn't be happier that I'm finally starting to be able to give him what he deserves.

Limbo

I realized tonight that I'm not feeling particularly dominant or submissive. What I am feeling is masochistic. I have this craving for pain that I can't satisfy on my own (ok, well, I could, but I've agreed not to), and it's the kind of thing that wears on me. It's always a bit funny to me just how central that is to my sexuality. More than being Dom or sub. More than being with a guy or a girl. Some of my wires are crossed, always have been.

Z & I use StumbleUpon to find and share porn. Because I have been working 90 hour weeks, I haven't been thinking about sex very much. So, I have a hell of a backlog of links from him. I looked at a bunch tonight, but I still have almost 180 waiting. The thing that bothers me about it is that I'm not getting a sense of his current mood. Knowing what he was thinking about last month doesn't give me much insight into what he wants now. I can't really obsess about a role the way I normally would - I have neither the time nor the energy for it. So I'm sticking fairly close to neutral. Since that's the case, it seems to make sense to lean toward whatever's most compatible with Z's mood. But when I'm getting off to images that he sent so long ago, that doesn't really work.

I just want to see him. Then all this stupid shit won't matter. Our next visit is ages away, though.

Visit with Z last weekend

Last weekend I got to see Z, which is, of course, always awesome. He came to visit me at my parents' house, and we decided seeing each other between holidays this year would make the most sense. We had new toys to play with: we got a collar for Z, rope, a strap-on, and I had been driving Z a bit crazy. I had been having a lot of fun teasing him without letting him get off. It ended up being about 3 weeks, because I decided that I wanted to do the job myself when I finally let him cum. Our first night ended up being more focused on figuring new stuff out than on D/s, which was a shame. I did have a lot of fun, though. I tied him up and played with him, and we both had a good time, even if there weren't fireworks.

The second night, I found a more elegant use for the rope, and had a lot of fun teasing him, and getting him off a couple of times. I was tired by the end of it (still not anywhere near recovered from my car accident), and decided that having him eat me out would be a good end to the evening's activities.

This is something Z is great at, and I was enjoying myself. Suddenly I felt his hand around my throat, and I melted. That relatively little thing sent me spinning. The coolest changeover ever. He then blindfolded me, turned on some music, and got out the flogger. I was not expecting that to be brought out this visit, and wow was it intense. He was above me with it, and it was hitting every part of my body. He kept getting me off with it, until it was nearly continuous. There was a bit of a delay, tho, between the stroke and my convulsion, so that there was never anything touching me at the point of orgasm. This started to drive me crazy, not having anything solid to push back against. Eventually I was begging him to touch me, but I knew as soon as I felt him enter me that it was a dumb thing to ask for. The reason being, I knew he was going to stay there long past the point where it was comfortable, and he can get me stuck in the middle of an orgasm that way. He finally said that he'd pull out if I stopped convulsing, which I believe I laughed out loud at, but I did try.

That was last Sunday night, and i haven't gotten off since, but the intervening events are worth a separate post.

Choking

Monday night I was in charge. I had planned to try waxplay and more sensory deprivation with Z, and I was looking forward to both. I like the idea of being in complete control of what is entering his brain, what he is experiencing. However, we’ll get to it later.

I started out with breathplay, something that he introduced me to and that we both love being on either side of, and his reactions were so exquisite that I got caught up in them and made a night of it. We have been doing light restricting each other’s breathing since our first encounter, but I ended up taking him much farther than in the past. I felt confident enough in being able to read him, and in his communication skills, that I really made him work to breathe, and kept it going for a while. He obviously enjoyed it, and told me that at the end of it I had cut off his air completely. He liked it, and wanted to go farther with it. We talked while he was recovering a bit, because I was concerned about safety. I like hearing him gasp while my hand is around his neck. It turns me on, but also lets me know that he’s ok. This would be taking it to a new level.

I told him that he was to grab my arm if he was having any trouble (our first time deciding to use a safeword or signal, as we usually just talk to each other), and tried really choking him for the first time. It took a couple of tries to find a position and direction of pressure that would actually stop him from being able to breathe. Once I did it was pretty amazing, on both ends. I love seeing him struggle, and I love knowing that he likes it.

We took a break to recover, and I choked him again. This time I wanted to push him, because I wanted him to feel satisfied at the end of the night. I didn’t want to leave him wishing for more, as I wouldn’t get to give it to him for a while. So I found the sweet spot under his chin, and pushed. I didn’t stop until I felt his arm start to move towards mine. Watching his face was incredible. Z is so expressive, which I absolutely love about him.

It was the first experience I’ve had as a Dom where I was a bit scared. It was a total rush, and I am so glad it worked as well as it did. 

Switching

I have always known that I am a masochist, and a submissive. When I got involved with Z I met my Dominant side. I have been exploring this new facet of my sexuality lately, and am having lots of fun doing so. One of the things that I've been thinking a lot about is why, when, how I end up ready to Dom. I want the dynamics between Z and myself to be more balanced, so that we can each get everything that we want out of our relationship. I want him to be able to get as much pleasure in submitting to me as I do with him. So I have been trying to find my triggers, for when he wants me to take control, and for when I want to be in charge, but can't quite find the right energy. 

One of the things that flips my switch is watching Z submit. When he waits for me blindfolded, or shares images of FemDom with me, starts deferring to me, his submission fuels my Dominance. His reactions delight me, making me want more than anything to cause more of them. It is a wonderful give and take. Another trigger is focusing on his favorite scenarios, things like sensory deprivation that I have no desire to be subjected to but can easily picture orchestrating. When thinking about sensations like pain that I crave, I can get distracted if I'm not far enough into Domspace. 

I am enjoying growing into being a switch. I never expected it, but it's lead to wonderful experiences.