New Toy; Domming

I should be sleeping. However, I've gone too long without posting, especially since fun things are happening. I got Z a cock cage for his birthday, and we're both enjoying it a lot. He's been locked up since yesterday, I haven't quite decided for how long. I'm considering being 'nice' and only having this first time be for a couple of days. I'm also tempted to add time for the two times he got off without permission recently. I suppose I'll just see how things go.

What I'm really looking forward to is our next visit. He's going to be locked up for at least a week before, and I intend to make him beg me for release. All the things I love to do to him will be so much fun this way.

Last night we did a video chat, and he 'got to' watch me get off. Afterwards he was so wonderfully subbie. I love getting to see him that way. It just feels like such a gift to be able to share that with him. I'm getting sappy now, sorry. But it was just so cool to watch. And I could tell what he was feeling, because he's made me feel like that so many times. So far I haven't been able to do that for him enough, I hope that's going to change with this new tool in my arsenal.

Another great thing: I've been enjoying the hell out of Domming lately. Normally it's fun, but also very draining. The last week or so, though, has been different. I suppose I'm usually waiting to switch 'back to normal', and I'm not this time. I keep growing into being a switch, and I feel like a huge bridge has been crossed. Not feeling like I have a very limited amount of Dominant energy is awesome. Z has had a hell of a lot of patience while I've been figuring this role out, and I couldn't be happier that I'm finally starting to be able to give him what he deserves.

Limbo

I realized tonight that I'm not feeling particularly dominant or submissive. What I am feeling is masochistic. I have this craving for pain that I can't satisfy on my own (ok, well, I could, but I've agreed not to), and it's the kind of thing that wears on me. It's always a bit funny to me just how central that is to my sexuality. More than being Dom or sub. More than being with a guy or a girl. Some of my wires are crossed, always have been.

Z & I use StumbleUpon to find and share porn. Because I have been working 90 hour weeks, I haven't been thinking about sex very much. So, I have a hell of a backlog of links from him. I looked at a bunch tonight, but I still have almost 180 waiting. The thing that bothers me about it is that I'm not getting a sense of his current mood. Knowing what he was thinking about last month doesn't give me much insight into what he wants now. I can't really obsess about a role the way I normally would - I have neither the time nor the energy for it. So I'm sticking fairly close to neutral. Since that's the case, it seems to make sense to lean toward whatever's most compatible with Z's mood. But when I'm getting off to images that he sent so long ago, that doesn't really work.

I just want to see him. Then all this stupid shit won't matter. Our next visit is ages away, though.