Limbo

I realized tonight that I'm not feeling particularly dominant or submissive. What I am feeling is masochistic. I have this craving for pain that I can't satisfy on my own (ok, well, I could, but I've agreed not to), and it's the kind of thing that wears on me. It's always a bit funny to me just how central that is to my sexuality. More than being Dom or sub. More than being with a guy or a girl. Some of my wires are crossed, always have been.

Z & I use StumbleUpon to find and share porn. Because I have been working 90 hour weeks, I haven't been thinking about sex very much. So, I have a hell of a backlog of links from him. I looked at a bunch tonight, but I still have almost 180 waiting. The thing that bothers me about it is that I'm not getting a sense of his current mood. Knowing what he was thinking about last month doesn't give me much insight into what he wants now. I can't really obsess about a role the way I normally would - I have neither the time nor the energy for it. So I'm sticking fairly close to neutral. Since that's the case, it seems to make sense to lean toward whatever's most compatible with Z's mood. But when I'm getting off to images that he sent so long ago, that doesn't really work.

I just want to see him. Then all this stupid shit won't matter. Our next visit is ages away, though.