I am very glad that I started this blog. I am a very verbal person, and writing solidifies and clarifies concepts. Also I like having a record of my thoughts from different situations. I want to be able to look back on states of minds I've been in.
I am enjoying putting my thoughts out there. I know pretty much no one reads it other than Z, but I like the idea of it being available. I like the honesty that comes with anonymity. I am using it like a journal of my sex life at the moment, but I hope to expand the scope in the future.
For one, I love the idea of taking some of my fantasies from high school and transforming them into erotica. I haven't been in a mood that's compatible with those old stories, tho, so I may need to just move on to current ones. The thing is that current fantasies revolve around Z, which seems too specific. It just seems strange to write erotica about a real person. I'll have to think about it more.
Another thing that I would like to get into is more of my thoughts about sex, sexuality, and kink. As of now I pretty much just have recorded events. I want to post from a theoretical perspective as well as a practical one.
I also plan on continuing to update my F.A.Q. with questions asked frequently in FL groups. This is partially because it seems silly to write out a new post for a question I've answered before. Another reason is that I like having it all in one place.
Also, if anyone other than Z is reading, please let me know. I would love to get feedback.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Surprise!
When I was having sex with R last week I was having a great, power-exchange-free time. We were both focused on having fun. While I was above her, she dug her nails into my back. I really enjoyed it, and she saw that and kept it up, progressively digging in more. I got off, convulsing and collapsing onto her. It was wonderful, and I wasn't expecting it. R was absolutely not expecting it, and didn't recognize what had happened until I explained.
"Are you OK?" "Yes." "Are you sure you're OK?" "Yes. That was an orgasm." "Oh . . . "
It was fantastic, and R thought it was really cool too. I love that she is amused by my reactions to things.
Afterwards, I felt incredibly strange, tho. I've never been in subspace without there being a psychological element to the preceding events. Z naturally makes pain a game of control, always toying with me at the same time. And R is in no way a Dom. So it was confusing. My instinct was to melt, to be compliant, to be putty in someone's hands. But I didn't have anyone to direct that to. And the event being early in the evening didn't make it easier, as the only way I really 'reset' is by sleeping. So the rest of the evening was spent alternating between trying to pull myself out of subspace and enjoying the delicious welts on my back.
R asked me if I'd encountered pain that was too much. The answer is not in context, with sufficient warm-up. The only issues I've had have been from something being too abrupt. Even then, I haven't encountered anything that was difficult enough that it needed to stop. Part of that is that if I can't get pleasure from the sensation itself, I still get pleasure from being able to handle it, and from allowing my partner free reign. However, part of it is also that Z can read me amazingly well, and knows exactly how his actions are affecting me.
"Are you OK?" "Yes." "Are you sure you're OK?" "Yes. That was an orgasm." "Oh . . . "
It was fantastic, and R thought it was really cool too. I love that she is amused by my reactions to things.
Afterwards, I felt incredibly strange, tho. I've never been in subspace without there being a psychological element to the preceding events. Z naturally makes pain a game of control, always toying with me at the same time. And R is in no way a Dom. So it was confusing. My instinct was to melt, to be compliant, to be putty in someone's hands. But I didn't have anyone to direct that to. And the event being early in the evening didn't make it easier, as the only way I really 'reset' is by sleeping. So the rest of the evening was spent alternating between trying to pull myself out of subspace and enjoying the delicious welts on my back.
R asked me if I'd encountered pain that was too much. The answer is not in context, with sufficient warm-up. The only issues I've had have been from something being too abrupt. Even then, I haven't encountered anything that was difficult enough that it needed to stop. Part of that is that if I can't get pleasure from the sensation itself, I still get pleasure from being able to handle it, and from allowing my partner free reign. However, part of it is also that Z can read me amazingly well, and knows exactly how his actions are affecting me.
Friday, September 3, 2010
16
I was talking to R the other day about how I’d known that I liked girls, so here it is:
The concept bounced around in my head from about 8th grade on, but as sex was such a vague, theoretical thing at that point I didn’t spend much time thinking about it until after I’d had sex for the first time. When I was about 16 I decided that I wanted to figure out this whole sexuality thing. At that point I was unsure of whether the ‘crushes’ I had on girls were really that, or if I just really liked them, wanted to be good friends with them, wanted to be like them, etc.
My solution was to focus on one of my go-to fantasies. Now, I’ve never had a vanilla fantasy. The ‘story’ in question was a guy holding me down, forcing himself on me. I then replayed it, substituting a girl. I decided that it was much hotter that way, therefore I must be a lesbian. My first concern was not an identity crisis or wondering if I'd be accepted. My worry was “What could a girl do to you, though?”
(I later realized that just because I am attracted to guys infrequently, I certainly can be. I figure I’m a 4.5 on the Kinsey Scale.)
"Home"
Ok, so I'm back at my parents' house, which I have trouble calling home. At this point Home is making dinner with Z, falling asleep together, waking up to him in the morning. This place is not Home, and hasn't been since I originally moved to Philly for college.
Regardless, I have internet, and should therefore be able to post whenever I want, which is nice. The last two posts were waiting on my hard drive for a couple of days before I got to post them, hence the timestamps. I was staying with R at the time (a subject for another post), who doesn't have internet at her house. Cosi has both awesome food and free internet though, so I was able to get online for a bit.
Anyway, I am not Home, but I am where I live, which will have to do for now.
Regardless, I have internet, and should therefore be able to post whenever I want, which is nice. The last two posts were waiting on my hard drive for a couple of days before I got to post them, hence the timestamps. I was staying with R at the time (a subject for another post), who doesn't have internet at her house. Cosi has both awesome food and free internet though, so I was able to get online for a bit.
Anyway, I am not Home, but I am where I live, which will have to do for now.
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