New Toy; Domming

I should be sleeping. However, I've gone too long without posting, especially since fun things are happening. I got Z a cock cage for his birthday, and we're both enjoying it a lot. He's been locked up since yesterday, I haven't quite decided for how long. I'm considering being 'nice' and only having this first time be for a couple of days. I'm also tempted to add time for the two times he got off without permission recently. I suppose I'll just see how things go.

What I'm really looking forward to is our next visit. He's going to be locked up for at least a week before, and I intend to make him beg me for release. All the things I love to do to him will be so much fun this way.

Last night we did a video chat, and he 'got to' watch me get off. Afterwards he was so wonderfully subbie. I love getting to see him that way. It just feels like such a gift to be able to share that with him. I'm getting sappy now, sorry. But it was just so cool to watch. And I could tell what he was feeling, because he's made me feel like that so many times. So far I haven't been able to do that for him enough, I hope that's going to change with this new tool in my arsenal.

Another great thing: I've been enjoying the hell out of Domming lately. Normally it's fun, but also very draining. The last week or so, though, has been different. I suppose I'm usually waiting to switch 'back to normal', and I'm not this time. I keep growing into being a switch, and I feel like a huge bridge has been crossed. Not feeling like I have a very limited amount of Dominant energy is awesome. Z has had a hell of a lot of patience while I've been figuring this role out, and I couldn't be happier that I'm finally starting to be able to give him what he deserves.

Limbo

I realized tonight that I'm not feeling particularly dominant or submissive. What I am feeling is masochistic. I have this craving for pain that I can't satisfy on my own (ok, well, I could, but I've agreed not to), and it's the kind of thing that wears on me. It's always a bit funny to me just how central that is to my sexuality. More than being Dom or sub. More than being with a guy or a girl. Some of my wires are crossed, always have been.

Z & I use StumbleUpon to find and share porn. Because I have been working 90 hour weeks, I haven't been thinking about sex very much. So, I have a hell of a backlog of links from him. I looked at a bunch tonight, but I still have almost 180 waiting. The thing that bothers me about it is that I'm not getting a sense of his current mood. Knowing what he was thinking about last month doesn't give me much insight into what he wants now. I can't really obsess about a role the way I normally would - I have neither the time nor the energy for it. So I'm sticking fairly close to neutral. Since that's the case, it seems to make sense to lean toward whatever's most compatible with Z's mood. But when I'm getting off to images that he sent so long ago, that doesn't really work.

I just want to see him. Then all this stupid shit won't matter. Our next visit is ages away, though.

How Life's Going Lately

So I said I was reviving YinYangKink, and then I disappeared again. Oops. This time I have an excuse: a new job. I'm working as a field organizer on a local race. I moved to a new state temporarily, and I'm working 12 hour days. I'm also staying at someone else's house, so I don't have a whole lot of time or space to myself to think of things to fill this space with. 

I'm learning how to play bass, slowly. I don't have time or money for lessons, so I'm mostly just trying to play songs I like from tabs I find online. Metallica's Sad But True is coming along fairly well.

I wrecked my car. Thankfully all I did was re-fuck-up my knee, which wasn't holding up well anyway. 

Z's congratulation about the job came in the form of a great scene over Skype. Clover clamps are wicked, wonderful things. I've only been here a week & a half, but I could really use another scene like that already.

I've been getting better & better at being able to switch. Not that I've gained a whole lot of skills lately, but the mindset's been easier to get into.

That's all I've got for now. Please forgive formatting issues for now, I'm sending this from my phone through an email. Next time I get on Blogger I'll proof-read.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

I'm Back

It's been a long time since I've posted on here for a few reasons. A big one is that I feel like I have a bit of a split personality - I say things while I'm subbie that I cringe at once I'm neutral again. I was starting to get very self-conscious about the stuff I'd posted. Another reason is that I see my significant other rarely enough that if I stick to recounting events I don't often have anything to share.

However, I like this blog, and I've decided to revive it. As always, no promises on how often I'll update or on what I'll end up talking about, but I'm going to make an effort to take the time to share.

Happy New Year

I couldn't sleep, so I figured this would be as good a time as any to post.

I realized that I haven't posted in a neutral mood in a while. There's a good reason for that: when I'm focused on sex I am usually either in sub mode or in Dom mode, and I usually post on here because I'm thinking about sex. However, this makes me look pretty bipolar, so I thought I'd give you a sane update.

I am still recovering from the car accident, they've found out I have a torn ligament and torn cartilage in my wrist. My knee is still a bit of a mess too, and I have to start back on physical therapy soon. So I'm spending a lot of time sitting in my room trying not to go stir-crazy, alternating with periods where I'm half asleep for a day or two because of painkillers. I'm working on getting surgery for the wrist, the knee is just a matter of doing the work.

I have no resolutions this year, I'm just not going to bother. I'm already working as hard as I can on getting better at life, so a new year's resolution would be either redundant or trivial. Either way, worthless.

I'm looking forward to being able to learn bass once my wrist is fixed. I'm still going to play lefty, partially because I am already used to it, partially because I don't want to count on my wrist ending up at 100%. (I'm right-handed, but my left wrist is fucked up enough that I can't bend it enough to fret with my left hand.) And Z pointed out that I will be pretty much the only female lefty bassist/vocalist in existence, which is pretty cool. (Once we all learn our instruments the idea is for us to play together - Z on drums, R on guitar, me on bass & vocals. Not because I'm any better at singing, but because I have the guts to do it.)

Happy New Year and all that. Random tangent: people who get upset at "Happy Holidays" make me laugh. Even for Christians, there are multiple holidays in December. Before I get into religion or politics, I'm going to end the post.

Owned

i asked Z to spell out His expectations for me. i desperately want to avoid disappointing Him again. i am not allowed to get off without permission. (He said that my orgasm would make a nice Christmas present to both of us, but that He might want it to be an early one.) Once a day i am supposed to masturbate, and then tell Him about it. This makes it impossible to ignore how horny i am. i love it, tho. Yesterday i was having trouble being by myself with the aftermath of the night described in my last post. Every time i shifted, i'd feel myself rub against the inside of my jeans, and know that there was nothing i could do to satisfy myself, and it made me feel close to Him. When we talked last night, i told Him that i only want to get off when ordered to, that while it's a given that He's in control, i want it to be direct control. i don't want to be given any gray area where i've got the power to make a decision, even if it's only one of timing. (For example, being allowed to get off today, or in the shower.) i was pretty surprised that i'd told Him that, really. It shows that i completely lack a filter right now, because i expect there will be a lot of frustration that stems from the request.

i love that He owns me. i love that His control over me is so complete. i am a very happy sub. 

Broken

Wednesday i fucked up. i wanted to take a nap at around 9, and Z told me to be back online by midnight. i intended to take an hour or so and get back on the computer. i set an alarm on my phone, made sure the volume was on high, and fell asleep. i woke up at about 5am, my phone having died. Z had already gone to sleep, and the 7 texts i woke up to let me know right away that He was upset with me. For good reason. i felt awful about it and was also just disappointed to have missed out on talking to Him.

my punishment was to begin by being ready to greet Him on Skype Thursday night, topless and with the dreaded clover clamps on. For a bit of background, those are pure evil. He told me that he was going to get online after getting home from work and showering, and that the earliest He would be on was 11:30. It was my decision when to put them on, since i would be wearing them for a while, but if i waited it would be a gamble, as i was required to have them on when He called me on Skype, and He wouldn't be in touch before then. i realized that evening that it was going to be even more painful than i'd thought: i'd had an MRI that morning, and my right nipple is pierced with a CBR that i can't take out (i'd put band-aids over it to prevent any real damage), so it was already sore as hell.

i didn't want to risk screwing up again, so by 11:31 or :32 i was ready and waiting. i did send him a message, explaining that my piercing was already painful. At first they hurt, but it was also exciting. As much as i wanted to take them off, they were making me wet. That didn't last long, however. At midnight i was watching the clock desperately, hoping that i'd get some relief soon. At 12:15 i was begging Him to get on (verbally, not in a way that might actually annoy Him). i had my vibrator and a glass of water in reach, as instructed, and had also grabbed my collar and a ball gag, because being quiet was a huge challenge. At around 12:30 the call popped up on my screen, and i could barely say anything other than "Please." He thankfully allowed me to remove the clamp from my pierced nipple. He informed me that i would not be getting off that night, and i appreciated the warning. A few minutes later He had me insert my vibe, and remove the remaining clamp for an interval of time that i no longer remember, and at the end of that time i was to put it back on, and remove the vibe. The idea was to repeat this pattern until He felt i'd been punished sufficiently.

At some point i grabbed the gag to take the clamp off, and again when i had to put it back on. He told me to go ahead and put it on properly, that He liked seeing me that way. i was having trouble breathing, and tried to move it out of the way. He told me "that would defeat the purpose". i was panicking a bit, but sat up so that i could let the drool run out of my mouth. i hate that about the ball gag. Humiliation is not something i crave, and while i like being silenced, having drool streaming out of my mouth is more embarrassing than anything else Z has made me do. So now i've got the ball gag in, and i can't look up the whole way or spit starts to build up, which in turn will make me panic. And the clamp is on again, so i have to be very careful not to move, so that the nearly-unbearable pain in my nipple doesn't get worse.

After a while, i had to keep adjusting my position so that i could breathe clearly, which moved the clamp enough that the combination made me cry. And my mind was just blank. i was sobbing, and in more pain that i thought i could handle (times 10), and pretty much freaking out. Z asked me if i had reached a limit, told me He wanted me to be honest with Him. it took me a while to process enough to figure out that yes, i had. He had broken me. i nodded, giving up.

He told me to take the clamp off. i thanked Him, and asked if i could please remove the gag as well, expecting play to be done for the night. He said no, that since He'd let me take the clamp off early, i'd keep the gag on longer to compensate. It put me in my place, made it clear that while He is very understanding to me, it's always about His pleasure, not my comfort. And i love that He used me like that. It's something that i've wanted for a long time, and i am so happy that He finally pushed me far past anything i would have been able to do without being ordered to.

When He let me take the gag off, clean up, and lie down, it was clear that i was ok. He had taken care of me, as always. And as i relaxed, and took deep breaths, i started talking to Him about what had happened. i realized after a bit that, while i had been nowhere near it during my punishment, now i was floating: i was in subspace. i know that there was a point where i was laughing, but it's a bit blurry.