Masochism Indulged

Wednesday night was incredible. Z got a flogger, which I was not expecting in the slightest. He let me take a peek right before he got home from work. I had no idea what to expect from it. It feels so soft when it’s stationery. I spent the rest of the day waiting as patiently as I could.

Before we started with the flogger, Z got me off by choking me, and then just by playing with my nipples. We’ve never done much with orgasm control, but while he was choking me he started counting down from five. I came on three. After that he explained that I was to wait until zero, and I was able to get off on command for the rest of the night, which just felt amazing. I also gave him a blow job, during which he didn’t let me get quite as much air as I am accustomed to. It was a great feeling, being choked from the inside.

When he finally got out the flogger Z spent a while warming me up, and it was hard not to beg him to hit me harder at first. It was wonderfully stingy once he got going. I was standing, and he had me get off from it, at which point my knees gave out and I needed a break to be able to stand again. When he started again he had me bent over his bed, which is at about waist height. He started striking a bit harder, and let me get off whenever I felt like it, as long as I stayed standing there. It felt so wonderful. I loved the sharpness of it. I could feel stripes of heat after a while, which was perfect.

After I got off 8 times standing there, Z told me that I would get 10 more strikes, and get off on the last. He had me count each, thank him, and ask for the next. My begging for the next strike was completely genuine. On ten I fell to the floor, and had the most powerful orgasm I’ve ever experienced.

He gave me time to recover, and then fucked me. He had me get off right as he did. The perfect end to the night of my dreams. 

Choking

Monday night I was in charge. I had planned to try waxplay and more sensory deprivation with Z, and I was looking forward to both. I like the idea of being in complete control of what is entering his brain, what he is experiencing. However, we’ll get to it later.

I started out with breathplay, something that he introduced me to and that we both love being on either side of, and his reactions were so exquisite that I got caught up in them and made a night of it. We have been doing light restricting each other’s breathing since our first encounter, but I ended up taking him much farther than in the past. I felt confident enough in being able to read him, and in his communication skills, that I really made him work to breathe, and kept it going for a while. He obviously enjoyed it, and told me that at the end of it I had cut off his air completely. He liked it, and wanted to go farther with it. We talked while he was recovering a bit, because I was concerned about safety. I like hearing him gasp while my hand is around his neck. It turns me on, but also lets me know that he’s ok. This would be taking it to a new level.

I told him that he was to grab my arm if he was having any trouble (our first time deciding to use a safeword or signal, as we usually just talk to each other), and tried really choking him for the first time. It took a couple of tries to find a position and direction of pressure that would actually stop him from being able to breathe. Once I did it was pretty amazing, on both ends. I love seeing him struggle, and I love knowing that he likes it.

We took a break to recover, and I choked him again. This time I wanted to push him, because I wanted him to feel satisfied at the end of the night. I didn’t want to leave him wishing for more, as I wouldn’t get to give it to him for a while. So I found the sweet spot under his chin, and pushed. I didn’t stop until I felt his arm start to move towards mine. Watching his face was incredible. Z is so expressive, which I absolutely love about him.

It was the first experience I’ve had as a Dom where I was a bit scared. It was a total rush, and I am so glad it worked as well as it did. 

Anticipation

Z got a package in the mail this morning: clover clamps (which I've been wanting to experience since I first saw them), and something for impact play. I'm not allowed to see what the implement is, he wants to let me guess when I feel it. The package is sitting in his room, taunting me. We won't get a chance to play until tomorrow night, because he has work early so we'll go to sleep shortly after he gets home tonight. I tried the clovers on my finger, but I will let him put them on my nipples for the first time.

I am so easily worked up by thinking about what's going to happen when he really decides to hurt me. I have been wanting this forever, but now that it's so close I can't believe it. I wasn't expecting to get to experience this until we have our own place, so he really blew my mind. I think part of the impact of him actually getting something is that this is really going to happen. I have wanted this since I started wanting sex. This is such a huge fantasy of mine, and I keep getting lost in imagining what it will be like.

I close my eyes and feel a whip crack across my shoulders, or a crop across my ass. Real pain. A scene revolving around pain, not just hints at the edges. Something more than biting and nipple torture. Sharp, stinging, deliberate, lasting pain. I picture my back in the mirror, white skin criss-crossed with red. I want to be pushed. I want to feel it in the days after, so that sitting or leaning a certain way sends me back to the scene. I want to be tied with my hands above my head, completely at His mercy, unable to avoid a blow. I want Him to use me, break me. I want to finally be untied, and collapse into His arms. I want Him to let me just float in subspace, passive and quiet, putty in His hands.

Playing Wifey

This week Z and I have his house to ourselves, and I am having a lot of fun playing housewife. I like having dinner ready for him when he gets home, and meeting him at the door with a kiss after work. I am waiting until it's time to start cooking. Tonight I am looking forward to making haluski, which is simple but takes a while. Good Polish food: cheap, flavorful, and filling.

I couldn't do this long term. I would be bored out of my mind, and I have career ambitions of my own. However, this is fun for a little while.

I love Z, and I can't help spending some of this time to myself daydreaming about our future together. I can't wait until we are living together again.

Home

I'm just hanging out waiting for Z to get back from work. I am so glad to get a few days living together again. I feel like I'm home when I get to lean on his shoulder, hold his hand, fall asleep next to him. This blog is supposed to be about sex, I know, so bear with me being a bit sappy here. I haven't felt comfortable, at home, satisfied for about a month now, and after this week I don't know when I can expect another visit with him. I am just trying to soak up as much contentment as I can while I'm here so that I can make it through however long it will take to get to do this again.

I'm enjoying all of the little things: shopping for groceries and planning meals had been our domain when we were living with our friends. I'm itching to start dinner now, but I want it to be warm when he gets home, so I have to wait a bit longer.

I cannot wait until this can be normal again. I'd give just about anything for this week to just keep going forever.

In conclusion, long distance relationships suck, but this week fucking rocks.

Vacation

Just an update. I'll be spending next week with Z, and then a few days with R! So expect lots of writing around the beginning of the month. Until then I will probably be without internet (not that I'll miss it).

Waiting

I am sitting on the couch, browsing the internet, watching TV, bored. I am waiting until Z gets home from work, gets online, talks to me. I want to see his words on my screen, or - if I'm lucky - hear his voice. Long distance is Hell, no question.

I am completely in love with him, and I wouldn't give him up for the world.

I want to talk about life, and about sex. I am a bit worked up already, without even having an excuse. When he gets on we'll talk, share fantasies and pictures, come up with more and more ideas that can't be implemented until we're together, some not until we have our own place. Frustrating, but fun.

Switching

I have always known that I am a masochist, and a submissive. When I got involved with Z I met my Dominant side. I have been exploring this new facet of my sexuality lately, and am having lots of fun doing so. One of the things that I've been thinking a lot about is why, when, how I end up ready to Dom. I want the dynamics between Z and myself to be more balanced, so that we can each get everything that we want out of our relationship. I want him to be able to get as much pleasure in submitting to me as I do with him. So I have been trying to find my triggers, for when he wants me to take control, and for when I want to be in charge, but can't quite find the right energy. 

One of the things that flips my switch is watching Z submit. When he waits for me blindfolded, or shares images of FemDom with me, starts deferring to me, his submission fuels my Dominance. His reactions delight me, making me want more than anything to cause more of them. It is a wonderful give and take. Another trigger is focusing on his favorite scenarios, things like sensory deprivation that I have no desire to be subjected to but can easily picture orchestrating. When thinking about sensations like pain that I crave, I can get distracted if I'm not far enough into Domspace. 

I am enjoying growing into being a switch. I never expected it, but it's lead to wonderful experiences. 

Meet my sub side

i am currently in a very submissive state, as Z got me all worked up and then had to go to sleep yesterday, and then didn't end up Domming me today either. i love being a sub, and while i am i cannot imagine wanting to leave this state. i almost don't even want to get off, because i am enjoying this feeling so much. i love this craving to submit to Z, the serenity that comes from relinquishing control, the intense desire to please Him. It's times like these that i see the appeal of a 24/7 D/s relationship. i know that once i am reset to neutral i will enjoy having the flexibility that comes with a relationship between switches, but for now i just want to float here: aroused, submissive, content.

Welcome!

Hey! My name is YinYangClaire, and I'm here to ramble. I have plenty of stories, ideas, and thoughts floating around in my head, and I'd love to get them out, so here we are. This will be a mix of journal entries, erotica, plans and schemes, thoughts, and rants.

I am a female bisexual switch. I am in a fantastic long term relationship with a guy I'll call Z and have an awesome thing going with a girl I'll call R.

Feel free to look around, comment, or say 'hi' on FetLife.