Broken

Wednesday i fucked up. i wanted to take a nap at around 9, and Z told me to be back online by midnight. i intended to take an hour or so and get back on the computer. i set an alarm on my phone, made sure the volume was on high, and fell asleep. i woke up at about 5am, my phone having died. Z had already gone to sleep, and the 7 texts i woke up to let me know right away that He was upset with me. For good reason. i felt awful about it and was also just disappointed to have missed out on talking to Him.

my punishment was to begin by being ready to greet Him on Skype Thursday night, topless and with the dreaded clover clamps on. For a bit of background, those are pure evil. He told me that he was going to get online after getting home from work and showering, and that the earliest He would be on was 11:30. It was my decision when to put them on, since i would be wearing them for a while, but if i waited it would be a gamble, as i was required to have them on when He called me on Skype, and He wouldn't be in touch before then. i realized that evening that it was going to be even more painful than i'd thought: i'd had an MRI that morning, and my right nipple is pierced with a CBR that i can't take out (i'd put band-aids over it to prevent any real damage), so it was already sore as hell.

i didn't want to risk screwing up again, so by 11:31 or :32 i was ready and waiting. i did send him a message, explaining that my piercing was already painful. At first they hurt, but it was also exciting. As much as i wanted to take them off, they were making me wet. That didn't last long, however. At midnight i was watching the clock desperately, hoping that i'd get some relief soon. At 12:15 i was begging Him to get on (verbally, not in a way that might actually annoy Him). i had my vibrator and a glass of water in reach, as instructed, and had also grabbed my collar and a ball gag, because being quiet was a huge challenge. At around 12:30 the call popped up on my screen, and i could barely say anything other than "Please." He thankfully allowed me to remove the clamp from my pierced nipple. He informed me that i would not be getting off that night, and i appreciated the warning. A few minutes later He had me insert my vibe, and remove the remaining clamp for an interval of time that i no longer remember, and at the end of that time i was to put it back on, and remove the vibe. The idea was to repeat this pattern until He felt i'd been punished sufficiently.

At some point i grabbed the gag to take the clamp off, and again when i had to put it back on. He told me to go ahead and put it on properly, that He liked seeing me that way. i was having trouble breathing, and tried to move it out of the way. He told me "that would defeat the purpose". i was panicking a bit, but sat up so that i could let the drool run out of my mouth. i hate that about the ball gag. Humiliation is not something i crave, and while i like being silenced, having drool streaming out of my mouth is more embarrassing than anything else Z has made me do. So now i've got the ball gag in, and i can't look up the whole way or spit starts to build up, which in turn will make me panic. And the clamp is on again, so i have to be very careful not to move, so that the nearly-unbearable pain in my nipple doesn't get worse.

After a while, i had to keep adjusting my position so that i could breathe clearly, which moved the clamp enough that the combination made me cry. And my mind was just blank. i was sobbing, and in more pain that i thought i could handle (times 10), and pretty much freaking out. Z asked me if i had reached a limit, told me He wanted me to be honest with Him. it took me a while to process enough to figure out that yes, i had. He had broken me. i nodded, giving up.

He told me to take the clamp off. i thanked Him, and asked if i could please remove the gag as well, expecting play to be done for the night. He said no, that since He'd let me take the clamp off early, i'd keep the gag on longer to compensate. It put me in my place, made it clear that while He is very understanding to me, it's always about His pleasure, not my comfort. And i love that He used me like that. It's something that i've wanted for a long time, and i am so happy that He finally pushed me far past anything i would have been able to do without being ordered to.

When He let me take the gag off, clean up, and lie down, it was clear that i was ok. He had taken care of me, as always. And as i relaxed, and took deep breaths, i started talking to Him about what had happened. i realized after a bit that, while i had been nowhere near it during my punishment, now i was floating: i was in subspace. i know that there was a point where i was laughing, but it's a bit blurry.